Confessions

November is almost over, and while we have enjoyed the down time from therapy we still have barely scratched the surface of all the things that need doing around here.  That said we have been busy. I am another year older, perhaps not wiser.  At 37 I made a list of 37 things I wanted to accomplish in the following year, by 38 I had only crossed off a few items so I added a few more things to the list to have a new list of 38 things and here I sit at 39 having once again only crossed a few things off my list.  I have not given up on the list, I think I should print it out so I can look at it more often, but this year I do not feel compelled to write a new list.  Instead I have been rather contemplative lately about my own life and the direction it is headed. I decided I’d dump all the things,  some of the things rolling around in my brain out here.  I haven’t been blogging regularly and it isn’t because I haven’t wanted to, or that I haven’t had anything to say.  I have had lots to say but I have told myself you are too busy to blog and partially that is true.  Yet if I am entirely honest, often times I still don’t get the things done that I needed to get done because I have filled my time with other distractions.

One of the main reasons I haven’t blogged is that I am a perfectionist at heart, and a people pleaser.  Yet my life is so far from perfect that at times it seems hypocritical to post a cute lovely post where I leave out all the imperfections.   I like my blog posts to have relevant pictures with them, but sometimes the things I need to write about don’t have relevant pictures so instead my blog sits silent. I have been a blog reader for many years, and many of the blogs I read the families seem so perfect, I bet they never have a pile of laundry taller than their kids, or miss family devotions, or make eggs and bacon for supper not because it is fun to do breakfast for supper but because the roast is still frozen in the middle and it is already past 6.

My life is messy, chaotic, and so far from picture perfect.  Homeschool is tough for us, our schedule is constantly disrupted with appointments to the point that a non-schedule is our schedule.  So far, I have 4 dyslexic kiddos with varying degrees of learning issues.  Joel being one of them and he brings his own challenges to the school table because of his brain surgery, posterior fossa syndrome, and side effects from treatment.   There is a saying that is so wise, and I have read it in many places, so I do not know who coined the term but it goes like this, “Inspect what you expect.”  Apparently I am terrible at this and my children know it.  Often times they will squeak by on a task doing the bare minimum until I finally take notice.  If it isn’t already obvious I am the weak link in the family,  My children all know if there is a parent who is more likely to say yes it is me.  I am not a perfect parent.

I so desperately want to be that Proverbs 31 woman but I fall so short; do I sound like I have no self esteem at all, well to be entirely honest that is another shortcoming I have.  However,  it is also an area I am making some improvements in.  What I can tell you is I love, I love my God, my family, and I love people.  I want to be able to pick up the broken hearted and mend them and sometimes all I can do is pray for them and love them.  I may fail in so many areas but I know I love, of course I am not perfect at this and I still have room for improvement here too, but I know that this is an area I am gifted at. So what does all this have to do with this blog and why did I dump it all on my poor readers, I commend you if you have made it this far!  There is a point to all of this.  I love to write my thoughts out, whether they are deep things that I am wrestling with or frivolous things that have grabbed my attention.  I so enjoy coming here and sharing my life, I know I have shared some of my struggles etc. in the past but I have come to the point that I need this blog to be a place where I share the good the bad and the ugly.  Where I share the amazing and the mundane.  Some days I may post a picture that has absolutely nothing to do with what I just wrote about simply because I enjoy adding a picture.  If I have no picture to share I won’t let that hold me back any more. This blog has adjusted and changed as time has gone on, it was such a blessing to me as we struggled through Joel’s cancer.  There have been times where I have wondered if perhaps I should give it up and start a new blog.  On the Old Path has meant many things to me, but I am still on the path, I have stumbled along the way but I still desire the Old Ways and I am still committed to searching them out. I am a woman who is far from perfect but is striving to improve, not in my own strength, but in my Saviour’s, “Being confident of this very thing, that he who has begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ.” (Phil. 1:6)  The journey isn’t over and I will continue to write about, “Homeschooling, Homesteading and Homemaking by faith through life’s ups and downs.”   Perhaps over the years, as we get better and better at just doing life, my blog will grow in it’s picture perfection, but instead of looking picture perfect I hope that when folks join me on the Old Path they will see a glimpse into our real, honest, sometimes messy, life. This is one of the MANY out-takes for our Christmas picture, I never seem to have a lot of luck with the group shot, the cat is there simply to try and keep Samuel from wandering.

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