18

I have said many times in the last two years that I need to write regularly on here…while I am trying.

I feel the need to squeeze in a few posts before the end of the month.  To write about something the following month seems slightly acceptable but to flip the calendar to yet another month just seems wrong. Before April gets here I need to get these out of the way!

SO… A very belated Happy Birthday to Elijah (Samuel’s post to follow in a day or two)!E 18

It feels impossible to write it, but, to the boy who called me “Momma” first I now call him a man! A MAN!  Yep my firstborn is 18.  I know there is far more to being a man than the number but at 18 he is seen by much of society as a man, and I daresay he is beginning to behave as a man.

Sure Dave and I still see areas that need improvement and we are not cutting all the apron strings just yet but he is manning up in so many areas.

Tomorrow he is headed off for a ‘job interview.’  I think he is a bit nervous but terribly excited too.  It is interesting to have children that depend on you for everything (Moriah), others who are wanting to do things for themselves, and then those who are at the place where in so many ways we just need to release them to go, and if they fall, they are now at the place where they will pick themselves back up and dust themselves off.  I won’t be there to swoop in and pick him back up.  Sure as long as we are alive Dave and I will support our children prayerfully, and physically too if needed, but I think you get where I am going with this.

I am excited for this chapter in his life.  He is definitely our biggest dreamer, which has caused me to lose sleep more nights than I can count.  He always seems to have these grandiose ideas but when you ask him how he is going to accomplish it he is usually missing some steps between step 1 and 10.  Yet the world needs big dreamers too.  I have no clue where God will lead this young man of mine but I know He has a plan and a purpose for him.

Elijah may God richly bless you, may He lead you along the path He has set for you.  Keep your eyes fixed on him and He will plant your feet on firm ground.  I have prayed this for you since you were a babe and I will continue to pray this Psalm for you. “I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.” ~Psalm 16:8

Love you Elijah ~Momma

6 Years…

It is a beautiful sunny day… not unlike 6 years ago today.  March 26th and 27th stand out on my calendar  as days I remember.  It is no ones Birthday or Wedding Anniversary in our family.  Yet they are 2 days I choose to mark perhaps rather sombrely.  I am not even sure if that is the right word.  I get emotional every time the end of March rolls around… is that even the right word, perhaps sensitive is a better term?

I asked a friend to pray for me last night as I could already feel the weight of this weekend and knew it could be a really tough weekend if I let.  I thought about why these 2 days get to me, I have been through other hardships and I could not tell you what day of the year those things happened.  So why March 26th and 27th?

6 years ago today I buckled my smiling fearless four-year-old in the car for the last time…yet not the last time.  It would be the last time I would buckle in our Joel before cancer.  I still have Joel I just don’t have the same little guy I had before March 26th.  I think that deep down inside I have a need to remember my Joel before he changed, and it does make me sad.  There is joy there too but sadness over the loss of what was.  I am so glad I do not live 365 days a year looking back.  I think I have subconsciously held on to these two days to remember him the way he had been.  Is that wrong?joel 1

I know that if March 26th had played out like any other day 6 years later I would be looking at an entirely different Joel anyway.  Elijah, Taliah, Joshua, and Hannah have all changed so much in the past 6 years, Samuel is only 5 and Moriah 7 months, but not one of them stays locked in time.

For Joel he changed so much, for those of you who have only known him after his brain cancer I wish you could have known the boy I remember.  He was far from perfect, he was so strong-willed.  I use to say, God had given him a strong will so that when he was grown he could stand firm and not be shaken.  I had no idea he would need to stand firm so young.  If you know him today he still has his strong will and he is not the easiest boy to parent.

Joel struggles  scholastically, and his speech has never returned to ‘normal.’  It is ‘normal’ for us as we have become use to it, yet when he tries so hard to get out his thoughts there isn’t a day go by that I wish he could just express his thoughts with ease.  He has brain damage, but this does not make Joel unintelligent, he is really a very smart guy, very thought-full, he just has a lot of challenges you and I do not have.

When folks ask how he is doing now, it is a difficult question to answer.  In many ways he is like any other 10-year-old boy, in other ways he seems stuck in time.  I do see small changes, and I pray for steady improvement even if it takes 2 or 3 times as long as others.  I mentioned he is hard to parent, oh some days I feel like we are getting nowhere with him, but God has also blessed this boy with a sweetness that pops up when you least expect it and my heart turns to mush.  He is a gift.  A gift I have been allowed to keep 6 years longer than we might have.  6 years longer than other parents we know who had to say good-bye far too soon.

As much as I choose (whether consciously or sub-consciously) to remember my 4 year-old Joel, one thing I have never done is imagine what he would be like at ten had he not walked the path that was laid before him.  I think that would be pointless.  It may be pointless for me to remember my Joel as he was, yet I feel in away I am honouring the little boy that was innocent to hardship, and preparing for another year of continued healing and changes that lay ahead for Joel.  I am hopeful.  I hope one day I can look back with only joy at what was, and live fully embracing what is now, without mourning what was, be gentle, I am a work in progress …aren’t we all.  Joel today

I love you Joel, you strong, brave, melt my heart boy…  ~Momma

6 Months Old

Sweet face

On February 24th this sweet one turned 6 months old, hard to believe, the time has flown by.  She fills our days with smiles and our hearts with love.  Can you believe she cut 2 teeth at 3 and 1/2 months old?  She is a big girl already over 18 pounds, both her sisters were […]

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Child Sponsorship

sponsorship-education1

I was recently approached and asked if I would share a guest post.  I was so happy to see it was a post about something very near and dear to my heart. David and I have sponsored children for almost 20 years now. So please take a moment and give this a read! Why sponsoring […]

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