I have had some thoughts milling around in my mind.  I wanted to share it here.  Some folks might find it odd that I would put it out there to the world but quite frankly as I have so neglected this poor blog I am not sure that there are that many people who will even read this.  A few days ago I shared this quote on this blogs Facebook page;I could relate to this quote because sometimes when I sit down to write I have an idea of what I want to say but as I put words to paper or in this case screen, it takes a different turn.  Sometimes I am even surprised by what the end product looks like.  I say all that because I really feel like as I write these thoughts down they will take shape.   Right now things are still a bit jumbled, I know what I want to say it is just the getting it out creatively and coherently.

I have had a feeling of unrest in me lately.  I wouldn’t say I was irritable, but, there was something not right. 

Some folks might call that still small voice one hears their conscience, for me I believe that is God nudging me.  I felt for a while that God was trying to show me something but I felt like I was in a fog and couldn’t quite make it out.  When the fog cleared, I did not want to admit what I saw in regards to myself was true.

I realized I had walked away from JOY.  Not that I was sombre and completely devoid of fun to the point that no one wanted to be around me.  I am not talking about happiness, or even contentment.  I am talking about that soul piercing, unexplainable trust, state of hope, and exceeding peace, that comes from placing ones life in God’s hands.  You know the hymn, “It is Well With My Soul“?  That is JOY.  If you aren’t familiar with it follow the link it is worth a listen.

Don’t think I lost faith or anything like that I just wasn’t resting in that JOY.

So the question begged to be asked, “Why?”

As I looked at my uneasiness and why I was holding JOY at arm’s length.  I figured it out.  I was afraid, I was afraid that if I embraced JOY for all it was and let it flow out of me to everyone I met, than….

(Read really fast like I am blurting it out…)  

“Than everyone would think that everything is okay, that Joel is okay, then people might forget him, they might stop praying, people won’t see that we still need help and encouragement!!”

By holding back in some weird way I felt I was, oh I don’t know protecting Joel.  You see he looks good, really good.  Sure he got a wee bit pale this winter, but his colour is good, he has added weight, he is walking, running, and even jumping, maybe not as well as his peers, but he looks REALLY good.  Often people will tell us how good he looks, and I assume they think he is completely healed.

Joel has decided he wants to grow his hair a bit, so even the telltale sign of what he has been through is almost all covered up with hair (his scar).  To look at him he doesn’t look any different from any other 8-year-old.  When he was bald I had no problem embracing JOY, as it was obvious he needed prayer, that we needed prayer.

Joel has lots of issues that looking at the outside you just can’t see, (I will get to a Joel update post, it is coming).

So there I stood looking at my rather ridiculous fear, and left with a choice, was I going to leave things as they were or was I going to EMBRACE JOY?

Worst case scenario; Everyone does forget that Joel has issues (unlikely), no one ever lifts up a prayer for him.  Even if that were to happen the truth is God knows every little hair on his head.  God knows what Joel is thinking even when he is having a hard time finding his words.  God knows all his strengths and weaknesses.

God knows.  

That is enough.  

I have embraced Joy again, and I am at peace.  Life is not perfect, some times it is messy, but even in the mess there is JOY!

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. ~Romans 15:13