Today is a day that carries with it a torrent of memories.
I remember dropping off 4 of my children at my parents’ house.
I remember listening to some health show on the radio where 2 chiropractors talked about how a mis- alignment could cause headaches.
I remember pulling up to the house to pick up Dave and Joel and my stomach was in knots.
I remember Joel smiling and waving at me.
I remember Joel didn’t want to eat his breakfast.
I remember pulling into the parking lot of the hospital and Joel was beaming at us looking the picture of health.
I remember saying to Dave “no one is going to take us seriously. ”
I remember us bowing our heads in prayer asking God to let us find favour with someone. That God would get to the bottom of things.
I remember them weighing my fidgety little guy.
I remember us waiting in the waiting room.
I remember Joel balancing with his arms between two chairs.
I remember them finally taking us into a room where we waited some more.
I remember the young student doctor who listened carefully to all we said.
I remember watching her examine Joel.
I remember her leaving the room to consult with her superior.
I remember Joel telling us he was hungry.
I remember us telling him it shouldn’t be too much longer.
I remember the clock ticking by.
I remember using the washroom in emerge and thinking this is really nice tile for a hospital.
I remember our young doctor coming back and telling us that she had ordered a CT scan.
I remember going through what seemed like a labyrinth of hallways.
I remember putting on the protective gowns.
I remember Joel lying completely still.
I remember Joel telling us that it was like a big donut and all the kids should try it.
I remember waiting for the doctor coming back.
I remember telling Dave that I had seen enough Grey’s Anatomy that if she came back by herself it was okay but if she came back with another doctor it wasn’t good.
I remember her coming back with another doctor.
I remember the other doctor had a pleasant look on her face, and an accent.
I remember all I heard her say was….. good news.
I remember asking her, I’m sorry did you say it was good news or that it wasn’t good news.
I remember she shook her head and said, “It is not good news there is a mass in your son’s brain. ”
I remember Dave thanking the young student doctor for ordering the test.
I remember a Child Life Specialist coming in the room with a stuffed moose with an IV taped to it’s leg.
I remember her explaining to Joel that it gives medicine to the moose and could he take care of the moose.
I remember two doctors coming in the room from Neurosurgery.
I remember them examiningJoel and explaining that they would need to do surgery.
I remember them saying it was amazing that Joel was not presenting with more symptoms for the size of the tumour he had.
I remember the one doctor saying he could see the fluid pushing on the back of Joel’s eyes.
I remember them explaining that they needed to do an MRI and that they needed to make a plan.
I remember Joel stopped talking but would do whatever we asked.
I remember the nurses putting an IV in just like the moose.
I remember them asking us when he had last eaten.
I remember them asking if we needed to make any phone calls.
I remember my Dad answering the phone.
I remember telling him it was not good news.
I remember him telling me he’d get my Mom.
I remember telling my Mom there was a mass in his brain.
I remember her telling me not to worry about the other children.
I remember starting to cry.
I remember a nurse placing a box of Kleenex in front of me.
I remember calling 2 friends and asking them to call others.
I remember Dave phoning his Mom.
I remember them taking us to MRI.
I remember telling Joel there was a bump in his head that shouldn’t be there and doctors needed to do a test to take a look at it.
I remember him nodding and then falling asleep.
I remember us trying to eat.
I remember us rushing back to a hallway where we sat and then paced and then sat some more.
I remember the surgeon asking us to come with him.
I remember him explaining that there were only 2 types of tumours that grew where Joel’s tumour was and that they were both malignant.
I remember him explaining that they would indeed do surgery in the morning and then he explained the risks of surgery, death, paralysis etc.
I remember asking him if I had done something wrong.
I remember him saying “no it was just a bad lump of cells.”
I remember telling him I had 4 other children at home could they have tumours too.
I remember him saying that that would be extremely unlikely.
I remember him telling us to try and get some sleep.
I remember smiling at him and saying “you get some sleep You are the one doing all the work tomorrow.”
I remember going up to the nicu as the recovery room was already closed. I remember Joel asking for me.
I remember them bring us to the 5th floor of the hospital.
I remember Dave leaving to go home.
I remember that our nurse for the night was named David.
I remember Joel was allowed to have a few sips of juice his only food of the day before he was not allowed anything after midnight.
I remember trying to sleep in a long corduroy skirt on a crazy pull out chair.
I remember lying awake starring at Joel trying to remember a Bible verse or to pray and the words were stuck and all I could pray was Jesus Jesus Jesus.
I remember thinking I don’t want to lose this boy.
I remember laying him at Jesus feet in my mind and thinking Your will Lord and praying Jesus Jesus Jesus… ( more tomorrow)
Today is a day of memories hard ones, but it is also a day of THANKFULNESS this morning I got up and made a nice breakfast. (Thank you Quinn stop by her blog, Reformation Acres for the recipe.)