Mixed emotions and Joel`s day

It is nice and quiet for the moment, Joel is sleeping soundly beside me so I thought now would be a great time for an update.

I really don’t know where to start… I am feeling a little emotional tonight. My emotions are torn in many directions. Let me start by saying I am blessed. I know that and I feel that. I continue to be blown away by the outpouring of love directed at us as a family.

Dave and I have been through some tough times in the past with being laid off, going back to school, changing careers etc. We would always say no matter how tough things got financially, “We’ve got each other and the kids and we have our health.” This is where my emotions start to get a little mixed up, even though Joel has some challenges ahead of him and had a tumor removed from his head I still feel like I can say we have our health. Joel is alive and is not paralysed things are progressing I should feel fantastic right? To a degree I do, my boy is still here with us I can pull him into my lap and kiss the top of his head, and that is an incredibly wonderful thing. There are too many parents who can’t do that. There are parents who have had to say an early good bye to their child, their are those that have been sitting by the bedside of a sick child for far too long. So I know I am one of the ‘lucky’ ones. (I know it is not luck and that it is by God’s grace alone.) So why am I feeling a little down today?

I think part of it has to do with the fact that everything happened so fast that all we could do was focus on the surgery and praying for it’s success that there was no time to prep ourselves for what was to come after the surgery. I think I told you all I was on cloud nine when they came and got us after the surgery. I knew Joel would be in pain and that it would take time for him to heal, yet I was totally unprepared for recovery. I think because we came to the hospital with headaches and less then 24 hours later he was in surgery I thought we would fly through recovery. Technically he is flying through recovery, a lot of the medical staff is shocked that Joel only had one night in ICU.

I guess I am having trouble looking at the boy who loves to slide down the stairs, race around the house and track mud in, just lying there. He can’t sit up by himself, his eyes don’t track together, and he goes hours at a time without saying anything, and then when he does talk it is a word here and there. Then I think of all that has happened and feel frustrated with myself because it has only been 3 days. Nothing is terminal we have been lead to believe that in time Joel should make a full recovery…so why do I feel down that it isn’t an instant thing. Remember I said my emotions are torn as much as I am frustrated with his progress I am also thrilled with it, because I know that things could have been so much worse.

So just as my feelings went in all different directions so did Joel’s day. He was really quiet, really really quiet today. He was very teary eyed he is missing home and his siblings terrible. He really looked down trodden. He did not speak to anyone who spoke to him and he did not want to try anything with the physiotherapist this morning. When his therapist came back in the afternoon he tried sitting with support and then standing with support. Now if he wasn`t supported he would have hit the floor yet his knees didn`t buckle so he was carrying most of his weight. He just doesn`t have much of any balance.

We were visited by 3 lovely ladies, Billie, Lenae & Chelsea, from church and then Uncle Kyle came and visited. When people first come to visit Joel usually cries and he did with Uncle Kyle too but then he decided he was going to show off and pushed himself into a wobbly sitting position. I grabbed him to support him and he sat with his head resting on me. After awhile he started to kick his foot so we asked him if he wanted to try standing again he nodded yes. So with support from me he put his feet on the ground. He also gave his Uncle five. Joel also ate really well today didn`t drink as much as we`d like to see, but that will come.

In the coming days he will see the speech therapist, ophthalmology, oncology and continue with the physiotherapist. Busy days ahead for Joel.

All that said I am really proud of him he is being a real trooper through all of this. We are sitting right in the palm of God`s hand and we know it. This really has been a testament to the verse God works all things together for good. Good is coming from this.

I think some of my emotional struggles stem from way too little sleep. So Dave on that thought of too little sleep I bet if I had as much sleep as you have I would never have mixed up know and now it had to have been a sleep deprivation thing 🙂

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