I remember….

Today is a day that carries with it a torrent of memories.

I remember dropping off 4 of my children at my parents’ house.

I remember listening to some health show on the radio where 2 chiropractors talked about how a mis- alignment could cause headaches.

I remember pulling up to the house to pick up Dave and Joel and my stomach was in knots.

I remember Joel smiling and waving at me.

I remember Joel didn’t want to eat his breakfast.

I remember pulling into the parking lot of the hospital and Joel was beaming at us looking the picture of health.

I remember saying to Dave “no one is going to take us seriously. ”

I remember us bowing our heads in prayer asking God to let us find favour with someone. That God would get to the bottom of things.

I remember them weighing my fidgety little guy.

I remember us waiting in the waiting room.

I remember Joel balancing with his arms between two chairs.

I remember them finally taking us into a room where we waited some more.

I remember the young student doctor who listened carefully to all we said.

I remember watching her examine Joel.

I remember her leaving the room to consult with her superior.

I remember Joel telling us he was hungry.

I remember us telling him it shouldn’t be too much longer.

I remember the clock ticking by.

I remember using the washroom in emerge and thinking this is really nice tile for a hospital.

I remember our young doctor coming back and telling us that she had ordered a CT scan.

I remember going through what seemed like a labyrinth of hallways.

I remember putting on the protective gowns.

I remember Joel lying completely still.

I remember Joel telling us that it was like a big donut and all the kids should try it.

I remember waiting for the doctor coming back.

I remember telling Dave that I had seen enough Grey’s Anatomy that if she came back by herself it was okay but if she came back with another doctor it wasn’t good.

I remember her coming back with another doctor.

I remember the other doctor had a pleasant look on her face, and an accent.

I remember all I heard her say was….. good news.

I remember asking her, I’m sorry did you say it was good news or that it wasn’t good news.

I remember she shook her head and said, “It is not good news there is a mass in your son’s brain. ”

I remember Dave thanking the young student doctor for ordering the test.

I remember a Child Life Specialist coming in the room with a stuffed moose with an IV taped to it’s leg.

I remember her explaining to Joel that it gives medicine to the moose and could he take care of the moose.

I remember two doctors coming in the room from Neurosurgery.

I remember them examiningJoel and explaining that they would need to do surgery.

I remember them saying it was amazing that Joel was not presenting with more symptoms for the size of the tumour he had.

I remember the one doctor saying he could see the fluid pushing on the back of Joel’s eyes.

I remember them explaining that they needed to do an MRI and that they needed to make a plan.

I remember Joel stopped talking but would do whatever we asked.

I remember the nurses putting an IV in just like the moose.

I remember them asking us when he had last eaten.

I remember them asking if we needed to make any phone calls.

I remember my Dad answering the phone.

I remember telling him it was not good news.

I remember him telling me he’d get my Mom.

I remember telling my Mom there was a mass in his brain.

I remember her telling me not to worry about the other children.

I remember starting to cry.

I remember a nurse placing a box of Kleenex in front of me.

I remember calling 2 friends and asking them to call others.

I remember Dave phoning his Mom.

I remember them taking us to MRI.

I remember telling Joel there was a bump in his head that shouldn’t be there and doctors needed to do a test to take a look at it.

I remember him nodding and then falling asleep.

I remember us trying to eat.

I remember us rushing back to a hallway where we sat and then paced and then sat some more.

I remember the surgeon asking us to come with him.

I remember him explaining that there were only 2 types of tumours that grew where Joel’s tumour was and that they were both malignant.

I remember him explaining that they would indeed do surgery in the morning and then he explained the risks of surgery, death, paralysis etc.

I remember asking him if I had done something wrong.

I remember him saying “no it was just a bad lump of cells.”

I remember telling him I had 4 other children at home could they have tumours too.

I remember him saying that that would be extremely unlikely.

I remember him telling us to try and get some sleep.

I remember smiling at him and saying “you get some sleep You are the one doing all the work tomorrow.”

I remember going up to the nicu as the recovery room was already closed. I remember Joel asking for me.

I remember them bring us to the 5th floor of the hospital.

I remember Dave leaving to go home.

I remember that our nurse for the night was named David.

I remember Joel was allowed to have a few sips of juice his only food of the day before he was not allowed anything after midnight.

I remember trying to sleep in a long corduroy skirt on a crazy pull out chair.

I remember lying awake starring at Joel trying to remember a Bible verse or to pray and the words were stuck and all I could pray was Jesus Jesus Jesus.

I remember thinking I don’t want to lose this boy.

I remember laying him at Jesus feet in my mind and thinking Your will Lord and praying Jesus Jesus Jesus… ( more tomorrow)

Today is a day of memories hard ones, but it is also a day of THANKFULNESS this morning I got up and made a nice breakfast. (Thank you Quinn stop by her blog, Reformation Acres for the recipe.)