“I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.” ~Flannery O’Connor

“I don’t know what I think until I write it down.” ~Joan Didion

“I write to find out what I think.”  ~Stephen King

I was asked to write a ‘Bio’ for my church’s website.  As I type this I still have not submitted it.  It isn’t laziness, nor procrastination as much as not having a clue what to write. It needs to be short, to the point, and about me.  I didn’t know until I was asked to do this how hard it is for me to write about myself.

Over the years I have shared my thoughts and struggles here, some victories too, so this seemed like a safe place to come and write.  I don’t lump myself in calibre wise with the above writers but I do write for the same reason.  It is how I work out what I am truly thinking on a topic.  Today that topic is me.

Oh my I rarely share pictures of me…

Lets begin… First thing that comes to mind is a broken mess of a person.  That sounds harsh, but in reality aren’t we all a bit broken and messy sometimes?  When I think of something that can be broken, the image of something that is delicate or vulnerable comes to mind.  A flower blowing in the wind is delicate and vulnerable to the elements yet often survives the downpour of the rain, and the pressure of the wind.  It may bend under it but when the sun returns it stretches back up to receive the warmth. It has its own strength that can often be overlooked.

Frequently we will put up the front that we are strong and unmoving like a mountain.  While seeming impenetrable a mountain can be chipped away at and in time a tunnel made through it. Even a mountain is not unbreakable. I am both a mountain and a flower all at the same time.  I am fragile and vulnerable, yet strong and steady.

I said, ‘broken’ when I started, but the word mended also comes to mind. Over the years I have been broken many times but God in His faithfulness has never left me there.  He has mended the brokenness.  I looked up the synonyms for mended, here are just a few: refreshed, corrected, bettered, revived, renewed, helped, the list goes on.  I would use each of these words to describe me and the journey to wholeness I have been on with Yeshua.

He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.  ~Psalm 147:3

Mess defined, 1) a dirty or untidy state of things or of a place. or 2) a situation or state of affairs that is confused or full of difficulties.  I am referring to the latter definition.  I am talking chaotic, tangled, a mishmash of muddles, jumbles, and quandaries. I definitely do not feel like I have it all together, there are loose ends everywhere. I have said more than once that I feel like I am failing at…. I am not sure why I feel like I should be succeeding at everything I put my hand to.  Truth is, most of the time I live with 8 other people, (I say most of the time because Taliah is currently out of the country), and that adds to the chaos.  I add to their chaos when we add people into our lives.  Chaos just happens, mess happens, but I embrace this mishmash of a chaotic mess with my whole heart!  It is beautiful, not perfect, but oh so beautiful.  In the chaos and mess is where we fall down, and get back up.  Where we make mistakes and learn from them, where the lightbulb goes on and we finally get it!  Where we laugh, cry, stumble and soar.

As I write it gets easier to think of words and phrases I would use to describe myself.  I am a person with too many interests to ever possibly pursue them all.  I am crazy about my family, passionate about my Lord and totally in love with both.  I want to serve those around me.  I love opening my home to others.  I have an incredible desire to see people in community.  We were never made to go it alone.  People need people.  If I can help someone connect in somewhere, that gives me great joy. Lastly, I love to learn; I enjoy studying God’s Word, it is endless in what it teaches, it does not grow old.

Now it is time for me to go and write my actual bio, thanks for listening.