WANTING MORE…

I made it to the hospital and back again safely. I would say that the directions are truly cemented in my head now.

I’m having mixed feelings about the day… Joel did great…needles and pokes, different nurses and doctors and he flew through it all and with a smile most of the time. His hearing test was great he scored well so no hearing loss. As for his kidneys, I don’t know yet but I will go on no news is good news.

That is good news and I should be rejoicing in that and yet I’m feeling frustrated in other areas. I am not a medical person so my definitions of medical things leave a bit to be desired… but as I have mentioned before your blood is broken down in to all sorts of things… hemoglobin, platelets etc. Well, one of the numbers we really focus on is the Neutro Polys. Neutro Polys let us know how well a person will fight off infections, bacteria and viruses. Normal Neutro Polys are between 1.5- 8.0, on June 7th Joel was 1.65. Two weeks later with no treatment I figured they would be even better but they have dropped to 0.66. Then I figured for sure he must have put on weight a few weeks ago I could barely get him to eat a 1/2 a cup of applesauce in a whole day. He isn’t eating what he used to but he is eating actual meals. Somehow he is down 0.6 kilos, all I can figure is he is more active and isn’t eating enough yet to compensate. He was over 50 pounds before all of this started. He is now 39 pounds.

I am frustrated, things have improved, but I want it all. I want Joel to be able to run and jump like he did only a few months ago. I want his chubby cheeks, I want his eyes to line up together the way they used to. It is hard to look at these pictures and see how much thinner he looks.

I don’t want to wait….I don’t want to be patient. I am not perfect and I get frustrated that I don’t always rejoice in what I have. His hearing is good and I am thankful for that. I have my son… and he has his memory, he may struggle with his words but he still wraps his arms around my neck and tells me he loves me. I know that there are too many Mommas that would give anything for that. I am thankful and grateful…just impatient sometimes.